As previously mentioned I'm a sufferer of anxiety. Failing and being told that I've done things wrong not only gives me that sinking feeling but I'm forever anxious to try them again. I wanted this blog to always be positive and happy, however in reality that's not life. Therefore today's blog post reflects exactly how I'm feeling. And that is down.
I woke this morning with an uncertain feeling in my stomach. I couldn't place why I felt like that, I just did. I had my obligations to look after my nephews; taking them to and from school and playing my role as an Auntie. However, I still had this overwhelming anxious knot I couldn't shift. Just as I found the motivation to dress and get ready for the day, I received and email saying my assignment results were ready to collect. I was hopeful. I was optimistic. I was...disappointed.
That knot that was in the pit of my stomach had unravelled to the tips of my fingers and the depths of my toes. The grade was much less than I was hoping for. This paper I had; read, researched, draughted upon draughted, had got a result that quite simply knocked the wind out of me. I was disappointed, to say the least. The effort which I felt I put into the paper clearly hadn't transferred to the marker. That been said an anxious morning has turned into a long and dispiriting day in which many tears have rolled.
All I want is to curl up in my bed. A cup of tea in one hand and a book in the other and forget about this day. The most distressing part of the day which is why I feel so on edge is because I need to top up my grade because I only JUST reached it last semester. The pressure of paying £9,000 for university fees to come out with a fail at the end of it makes my blood curdle.
My minds thoroughly flipped and flopped today. Should I stay at uni? Am I gunna fail? What more can I do? Should I give up? Is everyone gunna give up on me? To say I have overthought things would be an understatement.
I'm sad to say the blog post won't have a happy ending but not all days do. Do they? And I feel it's important to realise that. I have no answers to the questions that I asked above, although I hope I will soon. I hope that I have the motivation to get better grades. However, I do question if I had all that motivation for this essay and still got a rubbish mark: what else can I possibly I do!?