Depression is a term today, used as an insult and is seen as a sign of weakness, it's dismissed at the drop of a hat. Saying you have depression simply gets a head nod and a get over it smile when you tell people. However it doesn't matter how people perceive it, as its a personal silent killer, the negative words spilling out of your brain immersing your once young and happy body into a dull, black world. However although the light struggles to come through those air tight walls you've put up, it does begin to peak through just like it began to for me.
Without writing reams upon reams and boring you with negative thoughts and feelings I will tell you my story a nutshell. Negative thoughts began to plague my mind at around thirteen years old, I didn't understand, I thought I was just having a bad school life. By fifteen I mostly confined myself to my room disregarding my family, I lived in a virtual land where thoughts destroyed me. I put on weight and I repeatedly asked my mam to be home schooled. (I'm glad she didn't let me now) as I hated school so much at this point. By sixteen negative thoughts had eaten to the forefront of my brain, bringing the day of my my real cry for help when I took my mams pills and tried to end it all. I knew I didn't want to die, I wanted to stop feeling the way I did and this was what my sixteen year old self thought I should do. At this point my mam and sister, seeing me in such a state forced me to the hospital to ensure I was safe and vowed to get me help....
This is when my slow recovery to happiness began to occur. I went to therapy/ a Councillor and talked, although I didn't find my first Councillor overly helpful at all, but life's a process right? I left sixth form at eighteen to leave the past behind me and switched to college. It was a struggle meeting new people when I had anxiety and depression but it was a necessary evil to help me move on. College was a process of bad teaching and a lack of continuity but at this point I visited the college Councillor. This was when the light cracked through that tough black wall she helped me with exercises and integration techniques and I eventually began to feel more confident in myself and even found my first boyfriend, which is something I never thought fat little old me could have. After the two years in college I felt confident I could apply for university and meet new people.
So at nineteen years old, I applied to university and got five accepted offers with one unconditional. I began to feel a few more positive thoughts for myself after many years of self doubt, if they wanted me why didn't I want my self? So to cut a long story short, I got the grades and here I am in my first year of university. It's been a process which I haven't really elaborated on in this post. Although, I hope you get the gist, that depression is very very deep dark a hole and takes years to claw your way out and see a tiny bit of light again, but it can happen. I've been in the darkest places, I've missed out on so many opportunities because of it but I will no longer let it define me.
Depression is a harmful disorder that can last for years on end without ever catching a break. My reason for depression onset will remain personal, however regardless of the reasoning you know the key parts of my story, and I hope that for anyone of you who are suffering from depression whatever age you are, know that there are people around you that want to help if you just let them know and stop keeping it to yourself. Help yourself as hard as it, try your hardest and use every ounce of help you get from everyone to bring yourself back up.
- Side Note
For all those family members friends and my boyfriend who dealt with me through my lows, I want to say thank-you and I appreciate everything you have done for me, as without you I think I'd still be that negative girl hauled up in my room.