Sunday, 29 November 2015

A long path to happiness. My Depression Story.



Depression is a term today, used as an insult and is seen as a sign of weakness, it's dismissed at the drop of a hat. Saying you have depression simply gets a head nod and a get over it smile when you tell people.  However it doesn't matter how people perceive it, as its a personal silent killer, the negative words spilling out of your brain immersing your once young and happy body into a dull, black world.  However although the light struggles to come through those air tight walls you've put up, it does begin to peak through just like it began to for me. 

Without writing reams upon reams and boring you with negative thoughts and feelings I will tell you my story a nutshell. Negative thoughts began to plague my mind at around thirteen years old, I didn't understand, I thought I was just having a bad school life.  By fifteen I mostly confined myself to my room disregarding my family, I lived in a virtual land where thoughts destroyed me. I put on weight and I repeatedly asked my mam to be home schooled. (I'm glad she didn't let me now) as I hated school so much at this point. By sixteen negative thoughts had eaten to the forefront of my brain, bringing the day of my my real cry for help when I took my mams pills and tried to end it all. I knew I didn't want to die, I wanted to stop feeling the way I did and this was what my sixteen year old self thought I should do. At this point my mam and sister, seeing me in such a state forced me to the hospital to ensure I was safe and vowed to get me help.... 



This is when my slow recovery to happiness began to occur. I went to therapy/ a Councillor and talked, although I didn't find my first Councillor overly helpful at all, but life's a process right? I left sixth form at eighteen to leave the past behind me and switched to college. It was a struggle meeting new people when I had anxiety and depression but it was a necessary evil to help me move on. College was a process of bad teaching and a lack of continuity but at this point I visited the college Councillor. This was when the light cracked through that tough black wall she helped me with exercises and integration techniques and I eventually began to feel more confident in myself and even found my first boyfriend, which is something I never thought fat little old me could have. After the two years in college I felt confident I could apply for university and meet new people. 


So at nineteen years old, I applied to university and got five accepted offers with one unconditional. I began to feel a few more positive thoughts for myself after many years of self  doubt, if they wanted me why didn't I want my self?  So to cut a long story short, I got the grades and here I am in my first year of university. It's been a process which I haven't really elaborated on in this post. Although, I hope you get the gist, that depression is very very deep dark a hole and takes years to claw your way out and see a tiny bit of light again, but it can happen. I've been in the darkest places, I've missed out on so many opportunities because of it but I will no longer let it define me. 


Depression is a harmful disorder that can last for years on end without ever catching a break. My reason for depression onset will remain personal, however regardless of the reasoning you know the key parts of my story, and I hope that for anyone of you who are suffering from depression whatever age you are, know that there are people around you that want to help if you just let them know and stop keeping it to yourself. Help yourself as hard as it, try your hardest and use every ounce of help you get from everyone to bring yourself back up. 

Victoria 
x

- Side Note 
For all those family members friends and my boyfriend who dealt with me through my lows, I want to say  thank-you and I appreciate everything you have done for me, as without you I think I'd still be that negative girl hauled up in my room. 

Monday, 16 November 2015

12 Month: Saving Savy Budget.

Although this may be a strange post for this time a year, I'm still going to show you my 12 month saving savy budget. Of course you would typically start saving in January and start your savings from there, but becoming a student recently, I've decided I wanted to save. I'm not talking mega bucks, after all I did say student, but around £500 realistically, so we all have plenty of pennies for Christmas.


The table above is devised in away that every other month is a cheat month, for example your not really saving a great deal your just putting a little to the side and it doesn't really effect you bank balance (These are coloured blue). Therefore the pink  is unfortunately the big daddies, although there is less pink months these will be your big saving that will build your total. 

I've made this table in effect of my personal life, for example in December and January the saving payments are only £20 due to the fact, we all go a little overboard and Christmas and money becomes a little tight, so we can't be putting £90 to the side when we already are living on peanuts. 

So there you have it, my 12 month saving savy budget, remember if you alter the table for your own life and schedule to factor in birthdays and key events in each month, so you don't end up having to save £60 when your going on three nights out and have two birthdays to pay for. Save Saavy and save a little and put the big payments in the quieter months. 

I hope this helps you save a little dollar so Christmas isn't a big shock on bank balance like it is for me most years. 

Victoria 

Sunday, 8 November 2015

Halls: The Twelve Essentials


So you may be thinking this post is here a little belated, as every-ones moved into halls by now, however when I wrote this post I wanted to speak from experience, rather than educated guesses.  So  I've been here for an entire month now (yeah so experienced, I know) I would like to share with you the 12 key items, that you should bring a long with you to halls, including the things I forgot, DOH!

1. A plug extension Cord
Don't be caught out by awkward plugs and nowhere to plug your phone in, Think smart and bring an an extension cord.
2. Hair bobbles and bobby pins
Don't have lifeless limp hair on your first night out, remember your bobbies and your bobbles!
3. A printer (if you can)
Don't wanna roll out of bed at 8am to print your assignment off at the library? Get yourself a printer for your room and print off at your leisure. (Although printers are a little pricey, so sometimes the library is good enough)
 P.s - Make sure you link it your laptop before getting to uni because trying to do that, can be a little stressful 
4. Stationary including punched pockets
Although its easy to be caught up in the hype of moving out with new bedding and room decor ideas, don't forget you're going to UNIVERSITY, you also need stationary to get you through the day smoothly.  
5. Bath: towel or scrunchie
Don't be the one stuck in the shower with nothing to wash yourself with, except your hands; remember your shower accessories including, a flannel, scrunchie or sponge. 
6. Basic Food
Start your time off well and buy your basic foods such as rice, pasta, bread and milk, there's nothing worse then settling in and realising you now have to go on a big shop.
7. Alcohol
Don't be the only one who turns up without the alcohol, we all know the first night = party night, so come prepared. 
8. Speakers
Music is a must!
9. Laundry Bin
You gotta have somewhere to have your dirty stuff, think logically!
10. Extra Knives and Forks
No matter how many knives and forks you bring some will go missing without a doubt, so bring a back up selection, as you don't want to be knife-less at the dinner table.
11. A bin 
Of course you'll have a bin in your kitchen but do you really wanna be going down the hall every time you want to put something in the bin? Make you life easier and buy a cute little bin from ikea or B&M and your room will stay a little cleaner.  
12. Laptop 
If your not a library person your own laptop is essential, as you will be able to access everything from the comfort of your own room 24/7. 

If your heading to university this coming year, I hope these 12 little suggestions keep you on the straight and narrow and you're prepared and excited as ever. Enjoy your time. 

Victoria 
x
  



Sunday, 1 November 2015

Long Distant Lovers.

He broke the news to me at the beginning of September, with a sentence  that echo's through my brain still. " Do you think we could last if I had to move back to India for a year?" The sentence swam around my brain before I fully understood the situation. My boyfriend was going back to India, hundreds of miles away from away from my little English town. This question was his way of trying to tell me that his time in England was coming to end and he was going back for a year until his situation and status changed. My heart froze at the thought, and I wanted my tiny room to swallow me whole, I couldn't deal with this, I'm meant to be moving to uni in three weeks to be with him, how could this happen!?

Anger, sadness and pain ran through my body for days and days and still does every now and then. He's going to leave me due government legislation that sees him as just a number rather that a person with friends and family in this country, 

After the pain began to subside I began to try look at the situation differently. My thoughts began to change on the  matter and I was trying to come around to a fact that would never change. After all people travel for a year all the time on gap years and stuff, right? They always come back to their loved ones don't they? 


:Life's not fair, not in anyway shape of form. That day in September was the day I discovered this, as I saw friends and family settling down with their friends and having children when all I could think about was mine getting on plane and not seeing him for an entire year. The walls crumbled around me that day and I'm still trying to build them back up, one brick at a time and each brick I gain a sense of positivity. A tiny piece of hope, survival and positivity was niggling in the back of brain and I was trying to figure out how to build on that. 

That little dot of positivity began to get bigger and bigger until it flooded my body with questions and thoughts.  Wouldn't it be nice to holiday in India, while I visit him? Is it nice how he can see his family everyday (as they live over there). and my penultimate thought was, surely if we can survive this we could survive anything life throws at us. So it's worth ago right? 


So I guess the point of this post is not dwell on negative side of the situation but to try focus on the positive side.  After all, I'll see him in a year it's not like forever, I'm young and emotional and I'm allowed to cry myself to asleep but I'm also allowed to pick my self off the floor and give my head a   shake and on this head shaking journey, I will take you on my journey and you can see the ups and downs of being Long distance lovers. 

Victoria. 

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